The Knicks May Or May Not Be Burning

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The Following Takes Are Satire….Maybe(?)

Phil Jackson is a coward.

You hear about these things happening all the time — a former great softening with age, unable to cope with the modern world. We all have that grandpa who used to be really into underground fighting or the mob, but now is suddenly all about gardening and crime novels.

Now, that grandpa is Phil Jackson.

This is a man that used to spit at the idea of a relationship, that would have fought the world next to guys like Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant. I once saw him sit at a bar filled with women, only to draw up game plans on a napkin while downing a few whiskeys. The man was a man.

Now? The supposed Zen Master has lost his way. According to Adrian Wojnarowski at The Vertical, there’s been a long standing belief that Phil would eventually end up back in Los Angeles.

And why?

Because of a woman, a woman named Jeanie Buss, Phil’s other half who just so happens to own the Los Angeles Lakers.

The Lost Son
The Lost Son

The news dropped the same day Jackson admitted defeat and fired head coach and first black Hobbit Derek Fisher, which was probably the right call. Fisher’s tenure in New York can most be summed up by him getting beat up, then running away from Matt Barnes, and as we all know, if you can’t beat up every player in the NBA, how can you expect the men on your roster to respect you? Sam Mitchell might look old, but sources have told me he’s literally chocked Ricky Rubio out six times this season.

Now listen, Phil. I love women and more specifically, women love me. But would I ever travel across an entire continent for one, especially one who may or may not have at one point seen Magic Johnson at a public event? The answer rhymes with Po, and we ain’t talkin bout Kung-Fu Panda 3.

Here you are, in the best city in the world with literally the best human being on the face of planet earth (or any planet, for that matter) Kristaps Porzingis, but you want to go to Los Angeles? You know what they have in California, Phil? A whole bunch of whiny actors and a whole bunch of pot.

Now the ladder of those two may seem attractive, but Phil, you’re the Zen Master. You don’t need any of that fake crap to catch a buzz, you’re all natural baby. You don’t need no stinking herb, Phil you are the herb. 

Phil Jackson

(But if you do need some of that stuff in New York, I hear there’s a guy on the corner of 10th and 11th selling newspapers, if you catch my drift).

If Jackson were to leave at this point, it’s safe to say that he’d end up on the list of most hated men in New York sports history, if not global history. Soon my high school history teacher, Mr. Nathe (it’s $25 for a shoutout, for business inquiries email linharessean@gmail.com), wouldn’t be teaching about Benedict Arnold, he’d be teaching about the time Phil Jackson literally murdered a baby and ran off to LA.

Jackson came to New York amidst much hype and spectacle, and if he leaves now we’d be left with no hype and certainly no spectacle. Hell, we’d be left with an awkward Latvian, a guy named after a candy (Carmelo…Carmel…Tomato…Potato….or whatever), and Kurt Rubix Cube, or whoever it is.

I’m not asking for much here. Jut drop us a couple chips, then go back to LA and live in Kobe and Magic’s shadow.

You call it passive-aggressiveness. I call it recruiting.

Or hey, maybe Phil won’t leave at all and Woj is finally wrong…OH MY GOD PHIL IS LEAVING.

Jackson appears to be burning the house down on his way out, which is something of a respectable move. Everyone wants to walk away from an explosion while putting sunglasses on, and Phil may be doing just that.

After supposedly allowing Derek Fisher to have some type of a relationship (*winky face, smirky face*) with ex-Knick and son of Tim Hardaway, Tim Hardaway Jr’s former girlfriend, Jackson is now reportedly shopping Carmelo Anthony in a massive trade.

The deal, according to the New York Daily News, would send our beloved Melo to Cleveland, Kevin “How Deep Is Your” Love to the Boston Celtics, and some role players and draft picks back to New York. At least one of those players is TIMOFEY MOZGOV, New York Knicks legend.

Legend.
Legend.

Mozgov, who left New York in the deal that actually brought Melo to the Knicks in the first place, had a truly wonderful career in the orange and blue. From being posterized by Blake Griffin to… grabbing some rebounds and stuff, the guy was a major glue piece on those Mike D’Antoni teams of old.

All I’m saying is that Jackson may or may not be sabotaging the Knicks just to help out Jeanie. But trust me, the last thing the Lakers want to face is the 2021 New York Knicks led by Kristaps Porzingis and Timofey Mozgov.

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