We are required to remind you that these takes are satire.
Hello and welcome to my new column, Basketball Plus Stuff. I will now proceed to talk about basketball, plus stuff!
The persecution of the white man in modern America is long and storied.
From being overlooked to play the lead role in Django: Unchained (I hear Brad Pitt was up for the role of Django) to having their streak of being President snapped, it’s been a tough time for us caucasians since everyone (including white people) was like “hey, white people are kind of the worst and almost always the root of all evil”. After all, it isn’t a mistake that all the bad guys in Indiana Jones are always white, it’s based off of real events from what I hear.
Today, the white-community took another big hit, as known white-person Joe Harris was traded to the Orlando Magic from the Cleveland Cavaliers for…a future second round draft pick.
Now I’m no expert, but sources close to the basketball world tell me that getting traded for a second round pick is almost the direct equivalent to being traded for a sack of flour and a coupon for the local blacksmith shop. But this is Joe Harris! The kids got grit! Sneaky-athleticism! As high a basketball IQ as we’ve ever seen!
LeBron James, you’ve made your final mistake.
Seeing as we all know that LeBron is both Drake’s and the Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert’s ghost writer, this was no doubt Le-Bums doing. Probably trying to take out any competition so when he gets to the Final’s again, he can ball hog and take all the credit. It’s not a coincidence that James banished Harris from the best team in the East just days after having season-ending surgery. Poor Joey probably had just woken up from the anestisia (spelling?) and had LeBron in his face saying “Have fun in Orlando, try not to develop a meth addiction”. LeBron couldn’t even hook the poor guy up and send him to Miami, where he’d at least develop a cocain addiction. He had to go to Orlando, a place one step ahead of Buffalo and two behind Salt Lake City.
Good luck replacing his 2.7 PPG last season LeBron, you fool.
Also in the news this week, Steph Curry will play through an injured shin or calf or something for the next month or two.
Now listen, it’s great that Steph is willing to play through some pain, but talk about SELFISH. Sure it sounds good, doing what he has to do for his teammates and not letting down the team. But in reality, Curry is forgetting about what matters first and that’s his local neighbors opinion about his family.
Formerly the hero of the bay-area (a very prestigious title, narrowly beating out the Golden Gate Bridge and water), all of Steph’s neighbors are now going to be gossiping about how ugly his shin is. Wouldn’t surprise me if it had puss spewing out of it as we speak. Think about your family, Steph. Poor Riley is going to be known as “Old Mr. Curry with the messed up shin’s daughter”! That happy marriage all your female friends are always tweeting “goals” about? Poof, up in smoke.
Let me ask you Stephen, is it really worth it?
Fakey of the Week
So here in our first ever edition of Basketball Plus Stuff, we’ll also debut the Fakey of the Week, where I do my social obligation of exposing a fraud.
The first ever Fakey of the Week?
Looking at you, Dame Lilliard.
The supposed rap star of Portland Trail Blazers point guard went off earlier this week, dropping 17 points in the last three minutes of Portland’s game against the Oklahoma City Thunder.
Now obviously there’s a lot to dig into here. Why didn’t he have that effort earlier in the game? Only 17? Is he aware that having the name “Damien” makes him sound like he’s very good at Pokemon?
But instead, I’m focusing on this highly confidential video I was able to snag of Lilliard’s fourth quarter performance that puts the whole thing into question.
— Sean Linhares (@LINhares_Sanity) January 12, 2016
BROKEN ANKLES! How did he recover from that? HGH? Horse tranquilizer? Drug test him, Commish Silver.
Who Got Lit, Who Got Left
According to someone, today is National Kiss a Ginger Days, so you know Matt Boner was getting lit.
— Caleb Saenz (@calebjsaenz) January 12, 2016
Also lit, this guy-
All you need to know about being a Newcastle fan https://t.co/cs2nsGtGJj
— Matt Gavin McCartyII (@GavMcCarty) January 12, 2016
But who wasn’t lit? Naturally, it’s our President, Mr. Obummer himself. Now as of this writing, we have yet to see his State of the Union Address. But I think it’s worth betting on that it will not be lit whatsoever. Probably some crap about jobs and feeding the hunger and not enough talk about walls and terrorists. Can’t wait for the Trump-Era SOTU address’. Now those will be lit indeed.