Well howdy there! Welcome to the second addition of I Have Questions About, where your host Sean Linhares poises his questions about an NBA topic.
There’s little doubt that the Golden State Warriors have been the NBA’s top story through the first quarter of the 2015-16 season.
The defending champs have gotten off to the best start in North American sports history, which is kind of b.s but okay whatever. Like how do we know my beloved Iroquois tribe didn’t hop off to a 40-0 start in the old NALL (Native American Lacrosse League, read a history book)? We don’t. It’s racist, to be honest. We take their/my land then spit on their sports records? Messed up.
Anyway, the Warriors have hopped off to a 22-0 start this season heading into Tuesday nights game at the Indiana Pacers. Led by last years MVP/11th grader Steph Curry and Mary Babers-Green’s son, Golden State seems hellbent on doing the impossible and going 82-0 while repeating as NBA champs.
If there’s one thing the Obama presidency has taught me though, it’s that all that glitters isn’t gold, and the Warriors may be glittering, but the only thing gold is their color base. BOOM.
Now, I’m here to get you thinking about what the Warriors are REALLY up to. Strap in, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Are The Warriors Secretly Nazi’s?
Think about it.
Really think about it.
A group of good looking 20-somethings running around absolutely annihilating any opposition and following the orders of a hippie that would probably rather be painting (applicable to either Luke Walton or Steve Kerr). Even the Warriors offense reminds me of the old Nazi’s offensive scheme- fast and brutal.
One moment, you’re sewing Jenny a new scarf. The next? Steph Curry is burying a three from 35 feet and that German guy from Inglorious Bastards or Django Unchained is killing your dad over milk or something. Wait isn’t he the good guy in Django? Okay, not Django. But he’s also the bad guy in the new Bond film so…yeah.
The most obvious comparison to Golden State and Nazi Germany is obviously just how crazy these folks are. It’s physically not possible for Steph to be hitting shots like he’s getting below. It’s pretty well known these days that the Nazi’s were into some weird science and stuff (read literally any Marvel comic), maybe Steve Kerr found that information and that’s how he hurt is back?
I’m not even saying the Warriors are literally Nazi’s. I’m sure like, 75%-80% of them would go back and kill baby Hitler (looking at you, Andrew Bogut). But there’s most definitely some Nazi-like tendencies here that make you think they may have found the Holy Grail or something.
Maybe Steve Kerr looked at the Grail and his face melted off? Makes you think.
Has Steph Curry Made A Deal With Satan?
Curry showing off his range.??? https://t.co/Y55YvMSZX3
— Golden St. Warriors (@warriors) December 7, 2015
This isn’t really a question, more of a statement. Steph Curry has almost certainly made a deal with the devil.
Like look at that. This guy is just casually hauling up shots and they’re finding their way in. It’s not even like I blame him, if I looked like a 16 year old boy I’d probably get pretty desperate to get people to stop talking about how young I look.
The again, I’ve made a plethora of deals with Satan. “If you get my mom to let me go out, I’m all yours” or “If I pass this final, you can have my soul for all of eternity”. You know, just stuff like that.
All I’m saying is that you heard it here first when ESPN starts rolling out 30 For 30’s and Outside the Line reports on Stephs allegiance to Lucifer. “What if I told you…that teenage kid on the Warriors was actually a worshipper of Satan?” Sounds like compelling television.
Should We Take Andre Iguodala’s Advice?
When asked how you could possible beat his Warriors, veteran wing and guy who makes you question Father Time Andre Iguodala replied that a smart strategy would be “Going to the gun range and learning how to shoot. Kill us all.” You can see the rest of his comments HERE.
Now it’s important to note that Steph Curry can obviously not be killed with his whole contract with Satan situation that we discussed above. I’d hope that was a clause for Steph, at least. Or there will be some devilish tricks indeed. Haha.
Moving on, is this strategy something to consider? Is it covered by the 2nd Amendment (1st in my heart)?
Probably. Just about every form of murder is a-okay according to that thing, but is the act of murdering an entire basketball team and organization really a responsible thing to do? Maybe back in the day, we would have seen real winners like Pat Riley and Michael Jordan take our an M16 and light Klay Thompson up, but now?
I think not.
In this PC culture, guys like Chris Bosh or Paul George would get ripped to shreds for murdering the Warriors. Not to mention the fact that LeBron James is far too soft to do something like that. Would probably tweak his back just picking up the dang gun.
Of course, there are still some old school guys out there that might be willing to do the deed. God knows Kobe Bryant would be up to the task, the psychopath that he is. But he’d probably miss all of his shots anyway, so what’s the point?
The above takes have been satire, so please don’t say mean things to me. But if you want to, my Twitter account is @LINhares_Sanity