Hello and welcome to your favorite series that won’t kill off your favorite character for at least 60-70 years (because there is only one character), I Have Questions About! Where your host Sean Linhares poses his questions about a given NBA topic. This week? He’s tackling Christmas NBA games!
The War on Christmas is very real folks.
From the evisceration of the Starbucks Christmas cups (disgusting) and the audacity of Wal-Mart checkout clerks saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” (appalling), the mortar shells are falling on Jesus’ birthday bash and I have had enough of it.
To top it off, it’s supposed to be 69 degrees on Christmas Eve in New York City, home of Satan himself. You just know there’s some pothead millennial out there practically peeing himself in his mothers basement at the prospect of the church’s big day being ruined by sexual innuendo, but I’m not having it.
If there’s two things you can’t take away from me it’s my guns and my right to worship our lord and savior Jesus Christ by throwing a hissy fit about not getting the right Nintendo game on December 25. You can take your 69 degrees and shove it, New York City. I ain’t buyin what your sellin and on the battlefield of Christmas, not buying stuff is a big deal.
Luckily, my fury at the PC crowd will be lulled down by the fact that we’ve got some pretty gosh dang good basketball to watch on Christmas!
Yes, the NBA will be continuing it’s attempt to make Christmas Day Basketball a thing this year, presenting a set of games that feature the Pelicans vs Heat, Bulls vs Thunder, Cavs vs Warriors, Spurs vs Rockets, and Clippers vs Lakers.
Never mind that about three of those five games will likely end in blow outs, basketball on Christmas just isn’t natural and never will be.
There’s something magical about watching football on Thanksgiving. You have a few brews, listen to a few of your Uncle’s (wrong) political opinions, bash your skull through a plate glass window, then sit down and watch far superior men pretty much do the same thing! It’s a good time for all.
Basketball is just too good for Christmas though. For one, you can’t watch it while you’re drunk or you will literally freak out. I’ve had more than few episodes of “oh god the warriors ball movement too fast gonna puke please help going down” this season and let me tell you, it was not fun for my friends to clean up. Plus, there is a 0% chance your relatives know anything about basketball but a 100% chance they will try to discuss it with you. “So that Kobe James is set to win MVP for the Warriors this year I here. Well let me tell you, Michael Jordan was better”, because no matter what, Michael was better.
But for whatever reason, the NBA will continue to try and act like basketball on Christmas is a mainstay of America’s biggest holiday, right next to your filling your big socks with gifts and ripping trees up to put in your living room. And it is because of that I have massive and important questions in regards to the NBA on Christmas day this season.
Why the Hell is Kobe Playing?
Kobe Bryant is an all time great and deserves respect and blah blah blah. We get it Kobe, you rode Shaq to a few championships than tricked everyone into thinking that Pau Gasol rode you to a couple more chips when it was the other way around. You’re awesome and have no friends but are all about winning woohoo good for you.
But why exactly do you get to play on Christmas Day?
The Los Angeles Lakers have been just another level of bad this season, genuinely rivaling the Philadelphia 76ers for least competent franchise in the NBA. If the Lakers get to play on what is supposedly the NBA’s biggest regular season day, you might as well rename it “The NBA on Easter day” because this crap doesn’t matter at all.
I get that Kobe is on his way out and that we should all just let the old guy do what he wants, but what if we did that in every day society? You’d have grandparents running around with poop running down their legs, driving into crowded restaurants filled with people yelling “oh it’s okay Grandpa, it isn’t your fault” while eying your friend Janice when he looks away like “oh it isn’t okay Grandpa, it is all your fault”.
I hate old people and Kobe Bryant is old. I’m tired of these handouts for the elderly, it’s time to banish social security and glasses and all that other stuff that help the old. America lost it’s way once people started getting old, in my opinion.
Except my grandparents, because my grandparents are the best.
Could the Chicago Bulls Be Anymore Millenial-esk?
Good God, first they whine because former head coach Tom Thibodeau pushed them too hard. Now they whine because current head coach Hoiberg is too relaxed! “Oh wah, I get paid millions and am being asked to do too much! Oh wah, I get paid millions and am not asked to do enough!”. Make up your minds, kiddos.
Back in my day, you only complained when the Russians weren’t scaring the living daylights out of you enough. Simpler times. This wouldn’t happen with a Trump presidency. Ol’ Jimmy Butler would be put to work on the Great Mex-American Wall, Presented By Samsung and then we’d see how much complaining he’d be doing.
I’m not saying that this team needs a swift kick in the but, but I’m not-not saying that Coach Donald Trump doesn’t not sound good maybe (?).
What Annoying Crap Can LeBron Do Now?
LeBron James is the worst.
I’m not even talking about that little piece of beaver fur he’s stitched on his upper lip and calls a mustache or writing a poem that literally never rhymed (all poems must rhyme, it’s a rule, look it up), I’m talking about how selfish this guy is.
In the NBA Finals last season, LeBron would “take over” and push a “depleted” Cavaliers team to six games against the Golden State Warriors. All I’m saying is that LeBron’s blatant refusal to rely on teammates like Mike Miller and Mathew Dellevadova in that spot likely cost Cleveland a ring. He wanted all of the glory and according to my inside sources, literally told Delly to “go to heck man, I’m winning this for Cleveland because Cleveland is awesome and now I can have all of the love and admiration of Cleveland, a much sought after accolade!”.
Even more annoying was how LeBron would collapse after every game and act like he just went to Timbuktu and back. Don’t see me going down to a knee after a game of pick-up at The Y. I shake hands, stay humble, and always make sure to bake muffins for my teammates so they know how grateful I am. LeBron would probably poison those muffins just to make himself seem sympathetic. Wouldn’t surprise me if he was making JR Smith go out during the Finals just so he was hungover and couldn’t take maximum-JR shots.
LeBron is so selfish, he had to capitalize multiple letters in his own name just to seem more important than everybody else. Some leader this guy is. I hope a true humble TEAM like the Warriors kicks some booty on Christmas day.
THESE TAKES HAVE BEEN SATIRE. PLEASE DON’T GET MAD, BUT IF YOU HAVE TO, YOU CAN FIND THE AUTHOR ON TWITTER @LINhares_Sanity