It’s Christmas time! Now that you’ve successfully opened your presents and quietly thought to yourself, “man, last year was definitely better”, it’s time for some NBA on Christmas Day!
But with the relatives and and the kids whining about toys that don’t seem to work quite right, it’s tough to stay on top of all five games the NBA is serving up. Well have no fear! As you struggle over the directions for your little girl’s dollhouse that just doesn’t want to be put together, the host of your favorite weekly online column ‘I Have Questions About‘, Sean Linhares, will be able to fill you in on all of the big stories coming into The Association’s big day (how you like them apples, Baby Jesus?).
But before we get to the games themselves, we have to cover all the crap that surrounds these bad boys. As much as I hate to admit it, the NBA on Christmas Day has become a little bit of a thing. No, it isn’t quite the tradition that your mother wondering allowed if you could have done better in regards to your wife or an old white guy being mad at a young black guy showing literally any emotion during a sporting event, but it’s starting to climb that totem pole.
With that in mind, here’s some stuff you might miss in your basketball/family coma today.
That Other Stuff
- New Deadpool trailer for middle-class moms and teenage boys to lose their minds over in completely different ways! Oh, it’s lit.
- That new Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrel movie, Daddy’s Home, comes out today. Words I’ve never heard. Hard pass.
- People on your Twitter or Facebook (DEFINITELY Facebook) feeds are probably guilt tripping you about how you have the audacity to enjoy yourself during the holidays while the troops are serving overseas. Because if your buddy from High School isn’t using their hollow support for the United States Military to make themselves seem like a better person, it just isn’t Friday. Those people are the worst.
- You probably forgot to unwrap the stockings. Stockings are the David Lee of Christmas traditions, in that you consistently forget about them, but they really seem awesome while you’re unwrapping them, then get steeply overrated because of your surprise at how great they are. Makes you think.
- Okay, let’s basketball.
12:00 PM EST, ESPN: New Orleans Pelicans @ Miami Heat
The curse of pre-season predictions strikes its hand down for this one.
Coming into the new campaign, many picked the Pelicans and, more specifically, Anthony Davis to have breakout years. That hasn’t exactly been the case.
While Davis has been excellent, averaging 23.4 PPG, 10.8 RPG, and 2.7 BLK, New Orleans is nowhere near the team they were expected to be. Sitting at just 9-19 coming into Christmas, NOLA sits just one spot removed from the basement of the Western Conference, but we’ll get to the basement later.
So yeah, this probably won’t be a great game and you won’t be missing much. But hey, Davis is a beast and as fun to watch as anyone in the league and while the Heat have yet to figure it out yet, they still have a boatload of stars in Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Goran Dragic, and Justise Winslow. Amazingly, this is not the worst game today, thanks Kobe!
What to watch for – I hear Amar’e Stoudemire has been lighting it up down in Miami. He’s also played well for the Heat (not really, he’s played 27 minutes thus far, I just really wanted to make that joke).
2:30 PM EST, ABC: Chicago Bulls @ Oklahoma City Thunder
You have to believe that despite two torn ACL’s and pretty much being called a wussy on national television for years now, being sentenced to Oklahoma City for Christmas is the worst thing that has happened to Derrick Rose lately. That dude woke up to quite literally nothing on Christmas morning.
Anyway, the Bulls have been busy complaining about how soft new head coach Fred Holberg is, even though they just got out of having known maniac Tom Thibidouah…Thibidoah? Thibs, they just got out of having Thibs as a head coach. That’s like the weirdos that prefer a hard mattress to a soft one. What is wrong with you? “Oh yeah I want to sleep, but on a rock and as uncomfortably as possible”.
Somehow, Chicago is still sitting at 15-11 coming into their meeting with OKC, who are pretty gosh dang good. Of course, that doesn’t matter at all because of the Spurs and Warriors being basketball angels sent from heaven, but hey man, the Thunder deserve to not be completely ignored.
In fact, the only time we’ve talked about OKC this season is when Kevin Durant did one of his random “the media are out to get me” rants that never make any sense. In fact, it’s been a couple of months, we should be due for one of those bad boys any day now.
What to watch for – Just how badly is Russell Westbrook going to gobble up Derrick Rose’s knees/defense?
5:00 PM EST, ABC: Cleveland Cavaliers @ Golden State Warriors
Oooooh yeah baby, this is what I’m talking about.
The defending champion Golden State Warriors going up against the team they beat in the Finals, the suddenly healthy Cleveland Cavaliers! Steph vs LeBr- Wait what? LeBron said this game was just one of 82 and he wouldn’t give everything he had?
Didn’t see that one coming!
You wanna know the difference between Michael Jordan and LeBron James? MJ never told you he was slacking. That dude was out on the golf course puffing on cigars 30 minutes before game time and then would just show up and dunk on you and take your wife. My man was humble.
LeBron will run around telling everyone that games don’t matter and he doesn’t care and oh how cool he is. Just too cool for school LeBron, but you know ol’ LBJ will go out there with his little headband and “do it for Cleveland”. That’s another thing about MJ, never saw him with a headband. Dude didn’t have time for headbands, he was too busy winning rings.
What to watch for- Your favorite on again, off again relationship is back off apparently. Delonte West hates LeBron again according to Delonte’s Twitter! Never heard of MJ fighting teammates on Christmas Day in 2015…just saying.
8:00 PM EST, ESPN: San Antonio Spurs @ Houston Rockets
— Darnell Mayberry (@DarnellMayberry) December 24, 2015
Haha. Oh boy, the Rockets are going to be mutilated.
What to watch for- Exactly how quickly will James Harden’s heart stop after seeing the Spurs do that “ball movement and defense” thing?
10:30 PM EST, ESPN: Los Angeles Clippers @ Los Angeles Lakers
I guess Kobe really is getting old ??? https://t.co/w60hEGTxHO
— whitney (@its_whitney) December 23, 2015
I felt very uncomfortable writing “Los Angeles @ Los Angeles”. The Clippers and Lakers play in the same gosh dang city, which is pretty crazy and just shows how selfish those liberals out west are.
I am extremely thankful that President Obama doesn’t get the free ride Kobe is getting on his way out of office. There’d be Nukes being dropped in Kansas and other flyover states that don’t exist like it was nobodies business all while the press reminds you how great he was back in 2009. “He’s earned the right to create a nuclear winter, that’s what rings give you”.
This game is going to be terrible and if you are still somehow awake for it and decide to watch it, you’re probably voting for Bernie Sanders or something. Go to sleep, you degenerate.
What to watch for- Kobe air balls, the best Christmas gift of all.
THIS HAS BEEN A WORK OF SATIRE, PLEASE DO NOT GET ANGRY. HOWEVER, IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO GET MAD, YOU CAN FIND THE AUTHOR ON HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT @LINhares_Sanity