I Have Questions About: Court Storming

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Hello and welcome to another edition of your favorite series not named House of Cards, I Have Questions About. On this weeks edition, our host Sean Linhares will delve deep into the dilemma of Court Storming.

Let me tell you, I have just about had it with this gosh dang lame-stream media running around, acting like they can just change the rules whenever they please.

First it’s called Christmas, then we have to call it “The Holidays”. Well guess what NBC, you can take your Holiday trees and Starbucks can take their Holiday cups and shove it because the Bible taught me one thing and one thing only- Jesus is a big deal and if you aren’t about him, you can shove your stupid coffee cups right up the keister.Don’t even get me started on Halloween. If I wanna scare a 6-year-old so bad she can’t sleep for the next three years and eventually ends up in the looney bin, that’s my God given right.

For decades upon decades, it has been an agreed upon oath that college kids do not have to follow laws. From the ripe ages of 18 to 22, America’s youths get to go away to some fancy university and party their butts off with no fear of repurcussions.

“Just go and find yourself Joshua, leave the bills to us”, well okay mom and dad, thanks, here’s a line of coke in honor of you! “Joshua, you make us so proud”.

It’s just a simple fact that college kids don’t have to follow petty things like drinking ages, drug laws, and living under somewhat humane conditions! It’s in the Bible and the Constitution, a double whammy of things you just have to follow 100% at all times with no exceptions ever under any circumstances (Which is odd, because both literally say that you shouldn’t drink, do drugs, or live in bad conditions…almost like there are instances of these things being  outdated…huh).

But with this supposed “War on Football”  currently ravaging the Middle-East, everyone back home is getting all up tight and trying to take away our fun. We’ve seen crackdowns on underage drinking in college towns and even harsher conditions put forth on things like hazing and bullying.

Now bullying is of course something terrible that should be put to a stop, but hazing is a great thing and a dang American tradition! If I hadn’t been savagely beaten with a paddle while screaming the lyrics to “BaBa Black Sheep” and wearing nothing but a red clown nose as sorority girls laughed and threw chili power at me, how would I have bonded with my Pledge Brothers? No answer, just as I had expected. Best dang days of my life were being hazed as if I were some type of an animal. Good times, good times. 

Sadly, the liberal elite are now trying to take away another sacred tradition- the court storm, the time honored act of a whole gang of drunken kids storming the court to celebrate a big win alongside their classmates, oh the horror!

Good God, they wouldn’t…..

According to many though, the move is happening, with the Big 12 being the first major conference putting down harsher punishments for any teams that have a fanbase with the audacity to celebrate a great moment!

Now though, I have questions that may poke some holes in the left wing media’s attempt to foil our fun!

Is This Really Even Dangerous?

Only if you skipped leg day
Only if you skipped leg day

Recent events may point to this answer being yes, which is a real bummer.

After last weeks Iowa State vs Iowa game that saw State overcome a 20-point deficit, ISU fans were hyped and who blamed them! Finally, something entertaining in Iowa! They did the right thing and stormed the court, with thousands of drunken college kids tumbling out onto the playing area like it was a scene from World War Z.

Much like that movie, this storming had literally nothing to do with it’s predecessor and that predecessor should not be judged off of this particular incident.

Sadly, one unruly student would run into a reporter for a local newspaper, giving the reporter a compound fracture.

Obviously, that’s a genuinely horrible accident and something that should not be condoned. Not cool at all, Gabby or whatever the girls name is. Not cool at all.

BUT, this is something of an isolated incident and in the grand scheme of things, really isn’t that bad. At the end of the day, it’s not like this Gabby girl or whoever was a burn victim that  built a giant space station capable of blowing up entire planets only to have her plots foiled not once, but twice by her own gosh dang son who had done this weird incest thing earlier on that everyone chooses to forget about with his sister! That didn’t happen here! She didn’t even proceed to make a trilogy of prequels that completely failed to do the original trilogy justice and in fact alienated many fans from the series in general. NEW STAR WARS THIS WEEK LET’S GET HYPED.

I think it’s important to keep things in perspective here! For the most part, court storming are genuinely the most safe place you can be in the entire world! I plan on my child’s birth being mid court storm, as there will be far more people there, thus giving me a better chance of getting an actual doctor to assist. Playing the odds here, people.

What If We Changed The Time Of Court Storming?

Imagine all this, just with 7:33 left in the third quarter.
Imagine all this, just with 7:33 left in the third quarter.

Okay, I think this is the old real win-win situation, so listen close.

What if rather than outright do away with the act of storming the court, we instead simply changed when we stormed the court?

For instance, rather than all run out there at the end of the fourth, fans should just storm that sucker right in the middle of the second quarter! This way reporters and everyone are still seated and safe as the college kids tear apart the arena! Plus, what a great way to stick it to the man and if there’s one thing unruly college kids love to do, it’s stick it to the man. 

What we would do is have all the tech-savvy college children use their social media Tweetbooks and FaceSpaces or whatever they’re using tons set up an agreed upon time and then just go at it! Viewers would be shocked! Announcers would be surprised! Players would be hyped! Crowds would be electrified!

I stand corrected, this is the old win-win-win-win situation.

How Would We Even Stop Court Storming?

Leave it to people from Idaho to have a God awful court storm. Get back to the corn or blue football fields or whatever Idaho people do, buncha dweebs.
Leave it to people from Idaho to have a God awful court storm. Get back to the corn or blue football fields or whatever Idaho people do, buncha dweebs.

What, would we put security around the court to keep people off? Oh wait, teams have literally been doing that for decades and guess what? It hasn’t worked! That’s because there is literally no force on earth that can stop a drunk college kid from being on National TV, nonetheless 10,000 of them. That is literally like trying to stop the rightful hand of God from swooping down and slapping Dinosaurs out of existence 2,000 years ago, you just can’t stop destiny, brother. 

You could put a gang of genetically mutated turtles around that court and fans would probably blow right past them. There could be a gosh dang Master Chief out on that court and these kids would reduce him to little more than a video game character come to life, only he’d still be so mentally shocked that he is in real life and that his past life (in the video game) was a lie that he would fall into a state of shock and not be able to move. That aspect of the transition from video game to real life never gets covered in those types of movies. Makes you think that video game characters aren’t being represented well at all. Pretty racist if you ask me. 

We’ve seen conferences threaten to take away home games if fanbases storm the court, but I have a source within the millennial’s who tells me that todays young folk just don’t care. He wrote me yesterday (via written letter, damn hipsters) that “heeeeey man it’s me. i’m just chilling. anyway. we don’t care if they take away home games because storming the court it totes lit”. I hate young people.

But the man has a point! Aside from sounding like a complete moron that is blowing all of his parents money out of a pipe or out of his butt after a night of drinking Natty Light, my source makes a point in saying that this dang kids just don’t care! They’re crazy and young and just wanna get wild and who are we to stop that?

I say that if some gosh dang kids wanna go have some fun and trespass on a basketball court, by all means go right ahead. 

These takes have been satire, so please don’t get mad! If you do feel the need to throw a hissy though, feel free to find me on my Twitter account @LINhares_Sanity

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