Basketball Plus Stuff: The Warriors Want To Ruin Basketball


The following takes are satire…maybe (?)

Basketball is great.

Greatness is great.

Great basketball is great.

Whatever the Golden State Warriors are doing is not great.

Many have fallen victim to the Warriors mesmerizing style of play this season and for good reason, this team is 46-4! They’re chasing the Chicago Bulls historic 72-win season! Steph Curry is annihilating everyone!

And when I say everyone, I mean everyone and everything- including basketball itself.

Everybody loves witnessing the best possible version of basketball, no doubt. It’s why Michael Jordan is the cultural icon he is and everybody makes fun of the Knicks. But there’s a tipping point in that, society can only take so much before it just gets boring.

The Golden State Warriors have met that point and are blazing right past it, and I use the term “blazing” loosely.


Anyway, despite already being arguably the best team in NBA history, this gang of millennials just had to take more. You give them one three pointer, they abuse it and come back and splash down four more before you can even ask for Steph’s ID. These children are ignorant to the etiquette of basketball and I’ve had it.

Now, they’ve gone too far.

According to various reports, Golden State is one of the front runners to land Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder superstar and brother of a pterodactyl.


He is the one on the right. Just sayin.

Durant’s contract in OKC runs out this summer, making him the biggest free agent since the last biggest free agent. While KD has stayed mum on the subject except for his bi-annual rant on the liberal media (HE HAS A POINT) for their completely fair portrayal of him as a great guy who stayed in a small city to build a successful franchise, some teams have emerged as landing spots for the incredibly awkward Durant (he looks like the Iron Giant hooked up with one of the kids in a sad commercial narrated by a celebrity. It’s bulking season, Kevin. Get lifting).

None of them are as sexy as Golden State though.

I mean, the guy would be allowed to do whatever he wanted. You want to haul up shots? You got it KD. Want to win a couple rings? Sure, whatever. MVP? Probably.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer to live in a society that has basic rules to glory. There has to be some limit to how great you can be, or kids will set their goals too high and inevitably suffer soul-crushing defeat. Maybe you want your children to believe they can accomplish anything, and that’s nice. But not in my house. It’s called being realistic. I let my kids know their buts are going into the mines the moment they turn 18 and that the only stars they should aim for is the ones they’ll see as they leave that same mine at the end of the day. Welcome to 2016, folks. Time to get real.

Maybe some people will want to see a super team featuring the likes of Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, and Durant, but not me. I’m sure it would be fun for a few games, but you have to ask yourself- is it worth your child’s future?

I didn’t think so.

Fakey of the Week

Time to see who’s full of crap from the past week in sports!

Roger Goodell

This time around, it’s Roger Goodell!

Goodall could essentially win this award for the rest of time every week, but this time around the commissioner of the NFL told reporters that he’d allow his son — who does not exist — to play football and that there are risks in everything, even sitting on the couch.

Now listen I want to be fair here, but it’s a well known fact that football and it’s fans are idiots.

“Hey let’s go run into each other then ignore our injuries all in the name of glory woo”.

“Oh great idea Steve then maybe we can run into those other guys and stuff”.

The sport is stupid and the only winners are kickers and punters, who are the only suckers smart enough to make their millions, avoid the spotlight, and walk away still able to count to 20.

For Goodell to say he’d let his fake child play football, despite there being overwhelming medical evidence not to, is the most football thing ever. if this were Junior High and that fake child was a real sac of flour for a home-ec project, Goodell would have failed.

Make fun of free throws all you want football fans, at least an overwhelming amount of basketball isn’t a mixture of running plays stopped at the line of scrimmage, flags be thrown, and Wide Receivers wrath around in pain. Really riveting stuff.

Who Got Lit, Who Got Left

Football might be a national disgrace, but nothing gets the blood flowin’ like SUPER BOWL FLY OVER BABY.

For this one, all of America got lit. USA USA USA.

Sadly, almost all of the people in this next vine got left.

And by left, I mean left at the bottom of that elevator shaft when it went over maximum capacity and went plummeting to its’ doom.

Shaquille O’Neal- Lovable goof ball or selfish murderer? Take the stairs next time, you monster.


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