The following takes are satire…or are they? These takes cover the new website, March Madness, and more!
So, this is the new website…awkward.
This is kind of like the moment where you are finally all moved into a new house and you just finally sit down…and realize “well, this is anti-climatic”. It’s a lot like the Carmelo Anthony-New York Knicks trade. “Yay we got a superstar!” and five years later here we are, with Melo acting as the decrepit older brother to a 7’3″ Latvian and the Knicks well out of the postseason. Great.
Don’t get me wrong, the new digs are sweet. Did you see that slideshow? Not too shabby. This big boss man Martin hooked us up and now we’re ballin out, but you have to question the motives here.
I mean, sure this penthouse is sweet, but it’s right down the hall from the Los Angeles Lakers. It’ll be fun for one, two, three, or maybe even four decades. But fifty years from now? Kobe Bryant is going to be wandering around acting all nice while Nick Young and Larry Nance Jr do lines of adderall (wink wink) in the bathroom.
Sure, it’s fun to be the hot young thang all the boys holler at. It’s great to be the Houston Rockets. But why not be the San Antonio Spurs? Why not get a nice little mid-sized website that’ll always be in the conversation at the end of the season and occasionally make a nice title run? But no, we have to go out here and live this glamorous lifestyle with slideshows and categories. Back in my day, a good website consisted of nothing but a bunch of 0’s and 1’s and let me tell you, it was a great time.
But hey, enough about us. Let’s talk hoops.
And by hoops, I mean the idiocy of March Madness.
No, I’m not talking about the tournament itself. The tournament is undoubtedly the best thing to happen since the Fab Five was like “hey, maybe let’s just wear normal shorts when we play basketball” (yes, I know the tournament is older than the Fab Five, Mr. Commenter).
What I’m talking about is the name.
Let me ask you something, have you ever been mad in March whilst watching NCAA Basketball? No. You haven’t. I was upset when my beloved West Virginia Mountaineers were savagely slapped around by SF Austin, but I was far from mad. It’s like when a baby throws up all over your new Yeezy’s, which I hear happens a lot to people with baby’s and Yeezy’s. At first you’re like “I WILL LITERALLY FIND OUT IF SHAKEN BABY SYNDROME IS REAL”, but then you just realize that’s what baby’s do and you let it slide (this time).
Your team getting beaten in excruciating fashion is just the nature of the beast, and after your initial ultra-fury, you sit back with a cup of tea and watch the world explode around you. It’s great.
So no, March does not make me mad. March makes me glad.
So from here on, I will be standing proudly next to protestors of things such as equal rights and child abuse in the picket lines. I will not rest until March Gladness is brought to each and every man, women, and child in America. Because if no one should have to go a night without food, no one should have to be told they have to get angry in March. It’s 2016, grow up NCAA.
7’3″ Latvian of the Week
It’s Kristaps Porzingis!
The Knicks rookie sensation can be seen above absolutely drilling the now famous Steph Curry tunnel shot, supposedly on the first try. The best part? Kristaps said he knew it would go in on the first try because he thought the shot was easy.
Shots, meet fired.
Who’s Missing Time On The Memphis Grizzlies Now?
The Memphis Grizzlies have become my personal favorite team in the NBA because A) The Knicks are awful again and B) Literally everyone on their team is injured, and I mean everyone.
So the following is the list of Grizz players that will be missing time due to injury or suspension (I will give you one guess on which Memphis Grizzlies player is suspended…ok you can now guess…you got it right) in the near future! Enjoy!
- PJ Hairston- Groin
- Mike Conley- Foot
- Chris Anderson- Shoulder
- Brandon Wright- Knee
- Marc Gasol- Foot
- Jordan Adams- Knee
- Injured Grizz Of the Week- Matt Barnes
As soon as Barnes starts coming at Henson, he starts mean muggin in another direction https://t.co/NhpDpGRv1q
— Basketball Forever (@Bballforeverfb) March 18, 2016
The magnificent thing about Barnes being on this list is that he isn’t injured, he is suspended. After Milwaukee Bucks big man John Henson made a face that crossed between “ewwwww stinky” and “toes are icky” in his general direction, Barnes chased after Henson into the Bucks locker-room, earning himself a one game suspension. Matt Barnes is the best.