Hello and welcome back to the re-debuting of Basketball Plus Stuff here on Basketball Society, where we talk about basketball… plus stuff!
The low blow (also known as a nut shot, octave-raiser, or *high pitched squeak*) has long been a staple in the American diet.
For decades, perhaps even centuries, men have been hit right in the family jewels while other men, women, and children stand around and laugh at their pain and misery. John Hancock did it to Ben Franklin (why do you think he signed his name so big, winky/smirk face), Lincoln did it to literally the entire south, and generation upon generation of young boys have accidentally hit their fathers where the sun don’t shine. It’s a right of passage, damn it.
Somewhere along the line, we lost sight of that.
We forgot that the unexpected nut-shot, be it intentional or not, had single handedly made America’s Funniest Home Video’s into a ratings juggernaut, while simultaneously launching YouTube into the mainstream. Perhaps the simplest, most joyous act of all (except for the poor sole who must endure that pain) has been absolutely trampled upon.
Gone are the days when we could gather around a fallen comrade and laugh at him squirming around on the ground while quietly panicking if that was the shot to take away any future children. No, the times have changed.
Right there along with transgender people wanting to come into my home and use my own personal bathroom for equal rights and college kids not wanting to have crippling debt for the next 20-100 years, the nut shot has become a hot take issue. Only people aren’t talking about the real problem.
For instance, the past few days has been pretty steadily dominated by the Golden State Warriors and Draymond Green, the ladder of which may or may not have kicked Oklahoma City Thunder big man Steven Adams in the groin-region. See below-
— Def Pen Hoops (@DefPenHoops) May 23, 2016
The problem I have with this isn’t that he did it, it’s that we’re all debating the wrong thing.
“Did he or did he not do it intentionally?” has been all I’ve heard since the incident, and I’ve had enough.
Look, it sure looks like he did it on purpose. The NBA disagreed by not suspending him, but let me ask you when the last time you jumped straight up in a game of pick-up hoops and just magically happened to look DIRECTLY at your opponents balls before randomly having a leg spasm in that direction. Oh, that’s never happened to you? Well congrats, you’re normal.
What we need to be asking ourselves here is just how funny is this. Listen, Adams is fine and walked it off, but man that reaction is some A+ stuff. The knees knock together, the back hunches over, and the face becomes absolutely contorted. This is a man who just got kicked in the nuts and kicked in the nuts HARD.
If I was Kevin Durant and saw Adams’ slow motion “oh sweet mother of Jesus I can’t breathe” fall, I probably would have lost it. Russell Westbrook? Probably would have shotgunned a Mountain Dew and done the same.
What Draymond did wasn’t cool and the intentional nut shot really is pretty messed up, it should be frowned upon! But damn, if it wasn’t executed to perfection. Got the perfect toe-undercook, leverage, and everything. This is clearly a man who’s kicked some testicles before. He’s a serial ball-punter.
So where’s this rank in classic testicle-busting moments? Is it little kid accidentally hitting his dad with a wiffleball, or baseball ump getting drilled? I’m sure there’s been some bad skateboarding incidents. How about hockey slap shot? Personally, I think it gets points off for being intentional, but to each their own.
6 Things I Learned This Week (Because 6 is a Cool Number!)
- If you aren’t Disney, quit. X-Men Apocalypse looks like the Avengers minus all the cool stuff, and this is coming from a comic book (and X-Men) nerd.
- Hammering metal is hard, just saying.
- Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan once paid a guy to get them McFlurries from a closed McDonalds while on a road trip. Not a salad? No dedication, trade them.
- Jeff Hornacek couldn’t look less horny if he tried.
- Every time Bismack Biyombo rejects LeBron James “non-Physical era” playing weak sauce, money shoots out his buttocks.
- Speaking of the “Physical era”, players from that era will not be happy with Steph Curry until he builds a time machine and personally breaks all of their ankles, which seems mildly possible.