Basketball Plus Stuff: A Death In The Family

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Matt Barnes, Derek Fisher, Gloria Govan

GOAT

We are required to remind you that the following takes are satire.

Hello, darkness.

It is with deep sadness and regret that I inform you our guy, OUR GUY, Kristaps Porzingis, suffered a sore foot in Monday’s matinee against the Philadelphia 76ers and is listed as questionable for Wednesday nights matchup with the Utah Jazz.

It’s relatively common knowledge that a sore foot can derail a career fairly quickly. Just look at OJ Simpson. Guy had a sore foot at some point in his life probably and next thing you know, he’d ripping heads off and wearing gloves in June. Yes sir, it’s a slipper slope with feet and athletes (just ask Rex Ryan).

The good news is that Kristaps is reportedly going to try and tough it out (what else would you expect from a legend?) and play Wednesday. But is that really even necessary?

Should Derek Fisher be risking the health of his main body guard for the next 15 years on one petty game against a team from Utah? I mean, this is UTAH. Might as well have Neil Patrick Harris sit courtside and watch as the Jazz run around clutching their pearls and screaming bible verses. Plus, NPH is awesome and should sit courtside anyway.

Speaking of Derek Fisher, he should probably be hoping that Matt Barnes never ever retires.

During training camp, Fisher was reportadly having a Barbecue with Barnes’ ex-wife and some friends, which sounds lovely! Whipping up some burgers, drinking some sangria, wondering aloud if anyone in New York actually respects you or if all the credit will go to Phil Jackson no matter what – all the good stuff!

Apparently, Barnes caught wind of the little shindig and proceeded to drive at a high speed for hours to beat the crud out of the Knicks head coach. Although there were no legal measures taken, Barnes was eventually suspended a couple games and fined a whole bunch because apparently fighting NBA head coaches isn’t allowed.

And that leads us to Saturday, when Barnes and the Memphis Grizzlies squared up against Fisher and the Knicks. It….is….lit.

Not really.

It turns out that Barnes didn’t have the gaul to tackle Fisher mid-game and instead proceeded to try and beat his rival straight up on the court. Talk about a baller move. Sadly, Barnes isn’t very good at basketball and went 0-for-3 from the field for just two points.

And then he proceeded to guarantee that he would eventually get even with Fisher! OH YEAH. Whenever Barnes decides to call it quits, watch out Derek. He’s coming for you.

Fakey of the Week

kobe frustration

Every week, we look at who in sports has been the biggest phony.

This time? It’s you, Forbes Magazine!

This week, Forbes released it’s estimates for how much each NBA team is worth. The results were shocking and almost clearly rigged.

Coming in first were the New York Knicks at $3 Billion, not that surprising considering they play in the greatest city in the world that I am in no way affiliated with or a fan of. Second was where things got mucky.

The Los Angeles Lakers came just behind the Knicks at $2.7 Billion.

Rigged.

The Lakers are awful and therefor cannot be worth anything. They are last in your mind, last in your heart, and most certainly last in your wallet. They are losers and Forbes are a bunch of liars trying to not embarrass Kobe on his way out. If Old Man Kobe and the Lakers wants to embarrass themselves, let them.

Who Got Lit, Who Got Left

We start, as always, with who got lit over the past week in sports, and that lands us in some unknown location that apparently has goats.

Have to imagine that this little goat will be an inspiration to all other goats that just because they’re goats, it doesn’t mean they can’t run quickly and beat doggies in races. Makes you think about the animal kingdom and its’ power rankings. 

And now we have to participants who sadly got left. First up, Michigan head football coach Jimmy Harbaugh, who is very creepy in the first place, but found a way to take it to another level.

Ew. 

If Jim is willing to cuddle up with a four star recruit and watch Making a Murderer while sipping on a glass of Chardonnay, what would he do for a five star? Makes you think.

And finally, this guy!

You might be thinking to yourself  “wow if he didn’t fall at the end, he would have been lit!”, well you’re wrong. 

It isn’t Woodstock, skipper. Leave the Bernie Sanders rally, hop off the rollerblades and go diversify your portfolio. Hippy.

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